Friday, January 15, 2010

I have been attending the CRU (campus crusade for christ) on campus all year and so far I have really enjoyed it. The music is mediocre, but I can live with bad David Crowder songs blaring for a few minutes every week. (your love is a hurricane, and I am a tree? Come on? What is that?) Anyway, this week, the campus minister said something that bothered me. It bothered me so much, in fact, that I decided to tell him exactly why and how it bothered me. I've never done that before, and maybe it was not the right thing to do, but I felt a burden of truth and I felt like I needed to share it. Here is our correspondence:

Hello!
I'm a freshman and I have been attending CRU on Thursdays regularly and I have enjoyed listening to the messages presented. With all respect, though, I had a bit of a problem with something you said tonight.
I was excited when you presented the idea of finding the balance between head, heart, and hands. That is an idea that I have struggled with for a few years, and I am always happy to hear more thoughts on the matter. I was disappointed when you said that if you don't feel it in your heart, then it likely isn't in your head. I wholeheartedly disagree. I believe that God sometimes keeps us from feeling in our hearts and if we can still pursue God and allow Him to pursue us, despite not feeling anything, then our faith is affirmed. I do not think that we should seek an emotional response, because emotions are fickle. It is not our place to dictate what we feel anyway. God allows us to feel and sometimes He does not allow us to feel. If faith is based on emotion, then when trials come, and God is silent, we will fall away from Him, because thought our hearts have known God, our heads do not.
I know from my own life that sometimes we cannot feel and that that is not a bad thing. It is a hard thing, but it is not a bad thing. My sophomore year of high school, I went through some hard stuff, and though I wanted to feel God- I wanted to cry and let Him mend everything, I could not feel anything. I felt completely desolate and alone for a while, and I begged God to let me feel. I tried so hard to feel that joy I always had when I was reading His word, praying, or worshiping Him, but it was not His plan for me to feel. During this time, I delved deeper into His word and I prayed more earnestly then ever before. I KNEW with all my heart that God loved me and that I was precious to Him, but I still felt nothing. I became closer to God then ever before. Then, after almost a year, He woke my heart up, and I cried like I've never cried before. It was totally unexpected and it came after I had given up hope of feeling God's presence like I used to. It was more powerful then anything I had experienced before. I learned from this that God gives us those gifts like feeling His presence in His own time and not in ours. I no longer TRY to feel anything in my heart, but I walk with God and let Him surprise me with joys. I know that if I could go through that time and still trust Him, then I will be able to trust Him through all things. I rather doubt that I had any real trust in God when I felt all sorts of joys so readily.
I would love to hear more of your thoughts on the matter. Thanks!
God bless!


His response:

Great insights. I should have been more nuanced on that subject, but I felt the pressure of time and so I rushed through it. (It's no excuse, but it's a reason).

But you are EXACTLY right. It's been called the "Dark Night of the Soul" when God doesn't allow us to feel his presence. He does it in order to ween us off dependence on feelings (or other mediums, whatever the case may be) in order to experience Him more directly.

I'm actually quite impressed that you have had this experience in your life -- as most college students haven't sorted through that kind of connection to God.

My encouragement that I wanted to get to the rest of Cru was that when the Actions don't line up, then you should go deeper. And if the feelings don't line up, then you should go deeper (into belief). However, you're right in bringing to my attention that I pushed too hard in saying that if you don't feel it, you likely don't have it in your head. because the truth is that if you don't feel it, you just need to go deeper and see if it's really in your head. (like in your case, you knew it was there -- experiencing God by faith, and not being dependent upon feelings as the litmus test).

so, thanks for bringing that to my attention, I appreciate it. i will continue to strive to be more careful in my words and grow as a communicator of the Gospel of Grace, indeed. I appreciate the feedback.

So, what resources helped you to understand that feelings couldn't be trusted when you went through this? Did somebody guide you? Was there a certain book/author?




I haven't responded yet, but I was heartened by his response. I feel like I have found an open place where I can be honest and not be labeled 'unchristian'

Also, I appreciated that he mentioned the "The Dark Night of the Soul" because I almost sent him a link to a website laying out that concept.

Anyway, I am looking forward to answering his post. I enjoy this sort of thing.

Monday, January 11, 2010

blogging with a technology block.

So I think this is my first post. I actually forgot that I made this blog about a year ago but I stumbled upon it today for the first time since then. It was originally going to be a political blog, but I think it will most likely be just a blog of my random ramblings and thoughts. Perhaps it will find a focus at some point in the future if I keep it up. That being said, I am going to try to figure out how to change the name of my blog since 'cough up the kool-aid' is a clearly political. Until then, enjoy!